Review of rather specific FU - Robin Hood (2018)

So…remember when the Wachowski’s tried to make a Robin Hood story set in modern day, but eventually quit that to make Jupiter Ascending and The Matrix 4? Someone saw that script, took the costume designs, action scenes and ideal cast, then placed it a millennium beforehand. The result? A movie that I actually saw in theatres, and sucked.

Replace the charm and warmth of Errol Flynn’s Robin Hood with a smarminess, laziness and almost a sense that the studio is holding you in contempt. And that astonishes me. Every actor in this movie is insanely talented, the budget was over $100 million despite the movie looking about TV-grade, and (this floored me) it was produced by LEONARDO DICAPRIO, the merchant of quality. What happened?

Ooh, there’s E.L. McDonnell, the producer of 2004’s Catwoman. I guess that’s what happened.

Let my ranting start with the direction. Otto Bathurst isn’t the first guy I would have chosen for this job, as I’m not a fan of his work on Peaky Blinders and his only notable work aside from that is the episode of Black Mirror where the Prime Minister f%cks a pig. This movie does feel like an episode of Peaky Blinders, with all of the smoke and the crumbling production design, but also in the very style-over substance approach that I took issue with in the show. Nothing about this movie feels consequential as the substance/characters for us to care just don’t exist, and under Bathurst, every decision feels like a high budget ITV drama or a mid-2000’s 300 ripoff.

Segueing into the action…it’s awful. It tries to use that slow-motion-then-fast stuff that movies like 300 created so well, but it comes off as cheap and slows the pace of the action down ridiculously. Add in some Bourne-style rapid editing without the wide shots Bourne threw in occasionally to make sure you weren’t too confused, as well as some special effects right out of the incomplete workprint of Gladiator, and that’s the action of Robin Hood. It’s as bad as it sounds.

Even the actors in this movie look like they have no idea what’s going on. Taron Egerton is giving an unmemorable, uncharismatic performance that really just forgets all the talent he has as an actor, while Jamie Dornan is similarly giving a bland performance that ignores all the incredible goodwill he built up from a very underrated TV show called The Fall. I really don’t know what Jamie Foxx is doing, coming off less as a wise mentor of an outlaw king and more a psychopathic Rafiki from The Lion King. And HOLY SH^T, TIM MINCHIN IS IN THIS MOVIE AS FRIAR TUCK?! WHY???

Tim Minchin should have played Friar Tuck as his character in Angry [Feet], instead of this hippie priest.

Ben Mendelsohn is at least giving a performance that’s semi-passable, as a very angry Sheriff of Nottingham with some mild influence from Alan Rickman’s iconic portrayal. It’s the only intentional positive I can identify in the movie.

However, there are many unintentional positives in the form of some of the most hilarious costume designs, end credits sequences and action I’ve ever seen. It was at points difficult keeping the laughter within me at the theatre (Mum seemed genuinely invested), watching everyone in this movie wearing actual purple hoodies and beanies from 2000 in a 11th century movie, or watching horses run through a barn wall like they’re a truck. If you got drunk on good/middling-quality wine, you might actually have a great laugh with your friends about this movie. That’s the best I can say.

Rad 11th century clothes, bro.

In short? This movie can’t improve on the classic 1938 Robin Hood movie in any way. It sucks so hard that it got an extremely deserved Razzie nomination for Worst Picture of the Year (although it lost to Holmes and Watson, something for which I would spend a day in Guantanamo over watching). As unintentionally hilarious as it can be at times, I’m still going to give this movie a 2/10, because Ben Mendelsohn is an Australian national treasure who has lent credibility to everything he touches.

What did you think of this movie (although I doubt you saw it – me and my parents probably contributed 2% of this movie’s box office total)? Leave your answers in the comments.