Review of apocalyptic FU - X-Men: Apocalypse

As for the FU review about the apocalypse, I decided to do a film with “apocalypse” in its title. The fifth most wall-punching Marvel film of all time (behind Fant4stic, Dark Phoenix, Daredevil and Elektra), X-Men: Apocalypse was an agonizing experience full of yada-yada, idiocy and wasted potential.

The tagline is appropriate, as only the strong of constitution and stamina can make it through this.

I just want to clarify, I am not reviewing this as a lover of the comics, since I’m not. The most recent X-Men comic I read was something where Colossus had the Phoenix Force, and Toad was a janitor, and this shirtless shark woman joined the X-Men… so it’s not like I have a huge investment here. I’m reviewing them as a fan of the films. Got it?

Launching straight in, Apocalypse only has three good parts to it, and the rest are all boring, disappointing or bleh. I liked Kodi Smit-McPhee’s portrayal of Nightcrawler, and I think he’s a decently talented actor after seeing him in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and ParaNorman. I liked the Quicksilver scene in the mansion, where it wasn’t as good as the one in Days of Future Past, but it was entertaining and visually well-done. And Michael Fassbender, as you’d pretty much expect at this point, is the best part of the movie as Magneto, conveying loss and emotional pain exceptionally. And that’s it for positivity.

The second-best part of this movie, gets about 10-30 lines. Classy.

Except for the aforementioned Smit-McPhee and Fassbender, many of the cast are put in roles without any real depth or care put into them. James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence, Tye Sheridan, Lucas Till, Rose Byrne and Sophie Turner are all bland and boring as the X-Men, while a criminally underused Olivia Munn, recent breakout Alexandra Shipp and Roger Taylor from Bohemian Rhapsody are all wasted as the Horsemen. Poor Oscar Isaac, who was also wasted in the last Review of FU film that I did (Drive), turns in a bunch of shots of himself standing in suffocating blue makeup while speaking in a voice that could just be some drunk crew member on a ring modulator in the back of the set. Everyone is wasted here.

Useless, lineless, pointless and lineless#2. These are the Four Horsemen of the Indifference.

As for the set pieces, beyond the Quicksilver scene, the action falls into three categories: overly fan-pleasing, CGO (computer-generated orgy) and OP humanoids punching each other for a bit. Bryan Singer has demonstrated himself a wonderful director of set pieces and an avid user of practical effects and choreography, but here, he’s probably offset all of the work to some other guy who just decided to shoot some punching shots, make some mild wish-fulfillments, and flog their dying computer servers within an inch of their life. Hell, even Dark Phoenix had better set-pieces (shudder).

Posturing! CGI! Things! Exploding! I've effectively summed this movie up in three seconds.

Overlong, boring and not worth your time even as a comic-book fan, Apocalypse is indeed deserving of its title. But there’s a fun story I have to tell you about this film.

Christmas 2016, Mum accidentally thinks we liked this movie and so it ends up under the tree. That morning, me and my nerd relatives gather around the television and, while the movie is playing, mock it in every conceivable aspect until it stood only as a skeleton. It was brilliantly fun, and pretty much the only bit of solid entertainment you’ll get out of more than 5 minutes of this film.

God, this movie...

What are your opinions on my recommendations and FU’s? Please comment and tell me.