I do not recommend: Paramount+ (as of yet)

Yay, another streaming service to go alongside Netflix, Stan, Foxtel, HBO Max, Hulu, Disney+, Amazon Prime, CuriousityStream, CrunchyRoll etc. Paramount+ comes from the folks at Paramount, who have devoted their time to create a new streaming platform to semi-compete with their fellow major distributors Disney and Warner Bros.

Having checked out the service in a free trial on Wednesday (then immediately checking out – no money spent, cha-ching), I can confidently say that you should hold off on buying a Paramount+ subscription for a long while. Doing some research, it should be apparent that this service should be deprioritised in favour of watching Netflix, which is far more reliable and packed with content.

Right, here we go, starting with…

1. The lack of content

Quite unfortunately, there appears to be only 20 items of merit on Paramount+ Australia at the moment. It may be different in the American version, but you’d have to pay 30 extra dollars for a VPN and then convert some AUD to USD, which is a pointless hassle.

Half of this will still be available on other platforms, by the way.

With only one original film (Infinite), a bunch of TV shows which look either flatly generic or utterly uninteresting, some old cartoons, and some channels that possess little interesting content for Australian viewers, Paramount+ needs some time to get going with its library. Additionally, much of the interesting content is locked in the American version of Paramount+, so no SpongeBob movie or award-winning COVID documentaries, unfortunately.

By comparison, Netflix in this year alone is producing more than 70 original films (which consists 74% of my movie diet this year, apparently) and importing many TV shows from other deals.

2. What content is there is shit

With only a piddling amount of films and TV shows to gawk at, as well as regional access blocking off the best content, Paramount+ has done a great job of making absolutely none of their films remotely interesting or appealing. The only thing of merit is the sequel series of iCarly, which even then holds notice of those who watched the original series and will remember the decades worth of memes concerning it (I’ve blanked it out, since the ones watching it at primary school were overhyped dicks who bullied me).

Again, still available outside. I don't even know what half of these films are.

Aside from that, there’s Infinite, a Mark Wahlberg vehicle so bad that it has a lower Metacritic score than Thunder Force (currently my worst film of the year). There’s SpongeBob SquarePants: Kamp Koral, an animated prequel to SpongeBob which somehow even looks as unbearable as it sounds (this is the kind of shit that SpongeBob’s creator was deliberately trying to avoid). And then there’s a lot of upcoming stuff, including the eventual release of Paramount’s theatrical features (of which Wikipedia’s most boastworthy aspect is the PAW Patrol movie) and 10 South Park movies to be eventually released in 2022.

So yeah…not much at the moment.

3. Paramount’s management of its own library and advertising

Strangely enough, there’s barely any Paramount content on Paramount+ at the moment. That’s because Paramount made the genius decision to allow all Australian streaming services to continue licensing of their IPs until a month after launch.

So of course, you release the streaming service a month before this requisition actually happens, leaving a service completely devoid of content and a nation full of people bad-mouthing it and unlikely to join in. Paramount should have started advertising a month before their service’s release and given the warning to other streaming services then – therefore, if people want to watch their classic shows, they have to pay for Paramount+ because the old shows are no longer on Netflix and the like.

Speaking of which…

4. Half of Paramount+’s content will still be available on Foxtel and other places

One of Paramount+’s biggest selling points in the U.S. was the availability of MTV, Comedy Central and sports wherever you are, whenever you want. In Australia, however, MTV, Comedy Central and sport both come pre-packaged in cheaper Foxtel deals (along with a ton more content), and Kayo and 7+ as sport services are also far cheaper.

Then, similarly to how HBO Max handled it with their outsourcing to Netflix, companies belonging to Paramount will still remain on other streaming sites so as to turn a profit from licensing fees, meaning that significant amounts of Paramount content will not disappear from the sites you already have. So why buy Paramount+? For Infinite and Mark Wahlberg’s most bored performance ever?

And unlike HBO Max, which allows you to view theatrical films on day one of their release (like Space Jam and The Suicide Squad, which had most of their views on streaming), you can only see Paramount theatrical content after 45 days in cinema. This means that not only will you have to wait 1.5 months for content that a $13 Palace Cinemas ticket will cover to a cheaper extent, but if you’re in an isolated area with no cinema and still in lockdown, congratulations – you’re at YouTube and Reddit’s mercy!

5. Netflix and Amazon Prime cost exactly the same, but have 50 times the content and QOL features

So what can’t you expect from a Paramount+ subscription that you can get from a Netflix subscription? Paramount+ doesn’t provide…

· Subtitles in foreign languages (Netflix provides at least 5, and Amazon Prime provides 20 with specific caveats for each language)

Prime's language options are incredibly diverse. I didn't even know there was a U.S. version of Spanish.

· English audio description (Paramount’s like “yeah, blind people, suck on that!”)

· High resolution (I watched Infinite and it was so blurry that I couldn’t see what was happening – Netflix and YouTube, which is free, offers 4K resolution options)

· What’s on the American site (Netflix Australia and America are usually pretty coherent, but the majority of Paramount films are stuck on the American service at the moment)

· Foreign-language content, a big disappointment considering how popular K-dramas and Chinese gay dramas are on Netflix (why do you think Netflix spent $50 million marketing Roma to Oscar voters?). Hell, Paramount has an independent and foreign distribution company called Paramount Classics, so it’s not out of their ballpark

· Interesting trivia (Amazon Prime offers free trivia and information about the film, which provides quick information and sometimes incredible shitpost info, like their trivia section for the movie Cats)

· High-budget original content (Infinite was made for theatres but pushed to Paramount+ last-minute, so most content is just TV soap level – Netflix and Amazon Prime have spent large amounts of money on some content, including the $160 million budget for The Irishman and god knows how much on shows like Black Sails and Altered Carbon)

· Majorly exclusive content (as I’ve said, a lot of what you’ll find on Paramount+ in the future will still be on Netflix and Foxtel)

· A reason to continue.

Well, that’s my experience with Paramount+. I do not recommend you buy it yet, and at best, only steal it from your uncle who uses it to watch MTV even though he still has Foxtel.

Did you similarly grift Paramount+? If so, what did you think of it? Leave your answers in the comments below.